thoughts and feelings, thoughts about feelings

many things have happened since i last wrote my blog. don't wanna go in details. just so you know. we fought for almost 5 days. he was holdin his Ego and kept saying he wont do anything to end the war while i was trying all i could to finish it. anyway he gave up on the 4th day admitting his Ego was to blame and blah. but i lost all my passion, respect anything hat i had by then... and on the 5th day i told him that " he'll never be able to be MY MAN" . he cried. i explained why isa di that. etc etc... he thinks things are all ok now.. so do I.... but i have this glitch, this pin in my head. It's more like an empty place .. like something was there and it's not there anymore... a vaant space.. like something's missing..
Since the fight is over.. i don't find inside me the respect I had for him. It's gone.. And before i was like blind everything that was related to him. not any more. It feels like I don't care about him anymore. Feeling of selfishness. like i'm all about myself.. What happens to him is not a concern to me anymore.. I do show concern about him still it doesn't come from the heart..
Myheart has died as it seems, it's cold.. GuluBabu was lost for a while. I got her back. but still it ain't the same. I think about him only when he calls me. He is not my every thought , every dream consuming all my existence any more. Not like before when i used to find myself thinking of him not only 24/7 but more like 84600 seconds of the day. I had this feeling of overwhelming love that filled my heart all the time. The bubling feeling of love i can't find it inside me any more. Right now i feel the condition of my heart is as it was a year ago. When i considered him to be my best friend but i didn't have much ot this thing called love for him inside me.. It feels as if i have stepped a year back in time..
I told him that he consumes all of my mometns. If my life as like a pie chart and if he was represented by white, and other things by colors like red, blue, green. then my chart had no red, blue or green. instead they were pink, sky blue, and light green... and it had no edges.. but right now i feel the pie chart has distinct edges and colors are also not mixed anymore. there is a White part, but it does not mix with anything else and it's area on the chart is not the biggest..
I almost began to hate him during the fight. i don't hate him now. But i don't find myself loving him either. I Still enjoy his company.. i like talking to him, having a laugh with him. he's still my closest friend whom i'd tell everything. he's still my attached bathroom. But i don't feel any love for him anymore..
I don't know how. but i want to change this picture. I don't know how he will do it. Cause I don't want to love him because I have to, i want it to happen spontaneously.

P.s: i also lost the irresistable physcal attraction i had for him.

words to say that can't be said

sokale ghum theke uthe mone mone onek onek kotha bolechi. likhte bose r kichui mone porche na.
why don't you understand that what i do is no way intentional. jeta tomar pokkhe khub shavabik, seta amake shikhte hocche. cos i really didn't grow up as i should have in the age i have i have reached. you know that.. you know how immatured i am. you know the best about me. how i am. you discovered how immatured and childish i am inside. and with ur guidance and help and inspiration i am building myself up to face the real world. i am breaking the bubble i lived inside. don't you know that... you do.. you very much do. remember all the times we cried and discussed these things over the phone... i am trying to grow up here.. and you were helping me.. i am learning and trying to practice what i've learned so far.. but i can't be right all the time.. i might make mistakes... i am human
i don't know why all of a sudden u r forgetting that... and expecting me to be all perfect... i am not.. well not yet.. but i AM trying...... none can be all perfect. but i wish to get as close as possible..
ami tomar kotha onek gurutto dei.. jotoi mon kharap thakuk na keno, ba jaihok na keno moner obostha. ami monojog diye shuni... age shuntam na.. mane constant monojog rakhte portamm na.. ekhon rakhi... shudhu tomar kothai na. je karo kotha.. cos u once told me to " pay attention" ... ami jani ami kotota immatured abong amar onek ghatti ase.. thats why i listen to what you say about the mistakes i amke and my faults.... but if . amar jaigai kono fully matured, grown up meye hoito. tar upor tumi emon khobordarii korte gele.. khobor chilo..
what u said about exposing urself. etc.. i really keep that in mind and try to follow it.. age jokhon freindra eksathe hole ekjonke arekjonke pochay. serokom amio tomake pochanor chesta kortam.. tumi bolar por e bepare sotoro hoisi. ekhon r kori na.. kintu kalke jemon tumi jokhon tumi ghumay chila. ami balish a lala laga niye kotha bolte gesilam... tokhon tumi emon shavabik achoron korso ami ekdom bujhi nai.. sotti bujhi nai.. jokhon ami emo vul kori tumi setake chapa deyar jonno ato beshi shavabik achoron koro je ami aro bujhte pari na... jodi chokhe ektu ishara koro, be kisu ekta tahole to dhorte pari.... kintu esob kotha ki tomake bole kno lav ache?? jodi tumi bujhtei na chao amar kotha.. shuntei na chao. tobe ato kotha bola sob e britha. ei jonnoi tomake na bole diaryte likhchi...
uffffffff ami je chesta korchi seta ami tomake ki kore bujhabo... now i wish that the word "try" wasn't just an abstract idea. there would be physical refence of try. like if someone tried they'd have marks on their hands maybe little pimples will grow to show that they are trying ... *Sigh*
ami ki kore dekhabo amar triumph!...karon tumi amake bolcho ekta jinish na korte.. ami o chesta korchi oi kajta ami na kori. ami jeta korchia seta ami kivabe dekhabo. jeta vul kore hoye jacche setai to dekha jacche. its like asking someone to remove the black spots from a dirty canvas.. ba aro valo udaharon hoi kauke chal bachte deya. chaler majhe onek kalo chal.. ami segula beche beche fele dicchi ek ek kore...kintu jegula beche fele dicchi segula to r dekha jacche na.. ek tray chal er majhe je kalo chal jegula ekhono roye jacche segulai deka jacche. ebong seta dekhe tumi bolcho , kalo chal to thekei gese. ami ghorar dim chal bachi.. ami kichui kori nai... ami osohay.. ami ki ba bolte pari... karon sob beche porishkar kora na porjonto to tumi shikar korbe na je ami kisu korsi... ami chesta korei jacche. r protibar tumi abar evabe ragaragi kore amar mon venge dao... ami abar gora theke shuru kori...
it's like a minesweeper game...osongkho mine chorano.. ekta ekta kore erie jai. kintu ekta vul click kore fellei sob shesh. abar gora theke shuru korte hoi.. porerbar chesta kore hoito ager che beshi mine sorate pari.. kintu tarpor abar "game over" hoye jai.. minesweeper game to tao valo. ami je chesta kroechi tar ekta chinho thake picchi flag diye. ar life game e to kono chinhoi nai. so tumi bissas korbe keno??
kalke jokhon tumi amake phone a bolso ami je ki koshto paisi. thak se kotha tomake bole lav nai.. amar mone hoise cartoon a jerokom dekhay venge gura gura hoye pore jay r ekjon ese jharu diye tule dustbin a fele dey.. serokom venge gura gura hoye pore gesi...
everytime you shatter me in peices like that, i collect myself up again. and again start trying.. (ekta kotha.. ami jokhon e kisu kori mone mone ekta lukano asha thake. amar kaj dekhe keu porshongsa kkorbe keu, na korle amar mon kharap hoi.. kintu ei khetre i should seriously give up my dream of being praised... karon ekhane amar kajer proshingsa to dure thak, chestar shikriti e nai... so... asha kora manei nijeke koshto deya.. ) kintu tarporeo ami chesta kore jacchi... korei jacchi korei jacchi korei jacchi... keno?? ami janina . sotti janina.. cos this isn't like the "self centered" Himi...

right now i am confused... should i grow up or not... cos when i was not grown up and acted like a baby, u used to forgive my faults and encourage me... but now that i am growing up, you're only seeing my faults... no encouragements. and only vortsona... nijeke amar mone hocche bangla cinemar shabana ovinto kajer beti rahimar moto.. je saradin sob kaj kore. kintu ekta plate vanglei shuru hoi mardhor...
i could have stayed the way i was. living inside this bubble and fantasy world i creeated. but i decided to change so that i can take care of you... and i am trying to take care of myself too. but i still like to have you taking care of me... i could have spent my life the way i was, kon chulay jetam, i wouldn't have bothered... i am trying to become the way you want me to be.. but you encouraged me to start the journey but you are not being any helpful to get me through this tough journey.. it isn't easy for me and you not making it easier if you keep braking me apart everytime i falter..
you have this amazing chance. moner moto kauke khuje paowa vagger bepar. ar tomar sujogta aro boro. moner moto kore tumi gore nite parcho... for you i broke down... mar kholos ami venge felechi.. ekdom baby hoye giechi. like norom kada. tomar sujog ache. tomar moto kore gore neyar... kintu ekhon tumi chaccho mati jeno apni theke toiri sundor murti hoye jay.. you want instant coffee. espresso.. chulay jal diye cha banano tomar iccha korche na... chulay pani bosiye dilei cha hoi na.. aro kisu lage..
valo tomar jodi iccha na kore, tobe thakuk tomar chayer patil chulay pore... tumi readymade espresso coffee khuje nao... ami chulay pore shukiye shukiye batase bashpo hoye mishe jabo... tumi ter o pabe na.....

result

On Nov 9 my 2/2 result was out. I got GPA 3.55 which is .02 less than what i got last term. but my CGPA became 3.46 which .02 more than i had last term. so over all the result is nothing!!
this term i prepared well for the exams but the exams did'nt go that well i was afraid i might have a major crush down. but god saved me.! i didn't fail tremendously but it's lesson i have to do better and work even harder. ..
sadly once again I got a B in eectronic circuits. i dunno what's my problem. I always do bad in ciruits. I contacted the teacher about this so i can take a look at my exam papers and see what kind of faults i committed. i hope he'll be helpful towards me.
don't like to talk about result anymore
oh!!!!! almost forgot . the very same day Tonny's result was out . the BUET admission test. she placed 209th. quite cool achievement. she hasn't yet decided what she wants to study..
don't feel like writing anymore.bye!

Cineplex

goto bihospotibar was kind of my anneversary, 11 months.. so me and imon went to the cineplex at Basundhara city to watch "spiderman-2".. I made a little gift for him.. it was just a box of butterflies... made with paper. and "vanga hater churi" churi gula ek somoy imon e amake kine disillo.. porjapoti gulo sorale niche chotto ekta lkha... u know what.. and best of all he made a gift for me too... he didn't have resources like me. it was simple but heart warming.. and it was special because he made it for me.. .. well can't explain my feeling.. but it was so touvhing for me.. it was nothing. just a pack of cards.. where he have written small love quotes/poems... and a gulu picture on the top... it was lovely..
he was stuck in traffic jam , so it took him a while to get to BUET.. but after he came, we exchnaged gifts. then we went to Basundhara city. and boght a a gift for "shashi" for her birthday.. a shell jewllery set.. then went to buy the tickets...while we were waiting outside the cineplex. we saw, Ryan (a junior student of buet) buying tickets with his gf..
anyway the movie was great. totally enjoyed it. and all the time i was holding his hand and lying my head on his shoulder.. it was soooo nice a feeling... relaxing...
well that 's about just as much as i want to tell you...
bye bye for now

by the way i finished working on my Eid dress. embroidered it... i think i did a good job. :D

Dreams

i have been having strange dreams.. hre are some of them
DREAM: i saw we(mom dad, himel) have bought a new flat which is in Basundhora city..we (himel and a maid servant).. is standing on the balcony watching down when suddenly a cat scrateches the end of my skirt and leg suddenly.. it looks angry.. then it suddenly runs off and jumps out the balcony.. and falls straight below.. and pops out and blood spatters and all... ugly site..
EXPLANATION: I went to Basundhara city on 8th october...we were supposed to meet up in BUET.. whiile i was waitng for the others in the BUET cafe front wall. a cat (which i know from before). came up to me and sat beside me.. we took pictures of it.. and then it suddenly jumped up in my lap.. it was afraid of thw camera. so when i took the camera near it. it bite me . well it was hardly even a scratch.. any way i put it down then.. while Imon went to get a bandage for me i waited with the cat.. he not only brought me a bandage but also bought a packet of milk for the cat.. :D ... anywya this incident clearly explains why i saw that dream...
DREAM: i saw i was locked in a room and looking for keys to get out.. there was varioud puzzle to solve to find the key
EXPLANATION: i was playing MOTAS and crimson room lately, where u get locked in a room and u sole puzzles to get out.. easy!!
i wanted to write about another dream but now i forgot..